October-03
Q: I am a sex addict. It took me time to realize that I have all of the symptoms and all of the emptiness and anger at the core of any addict. I don't enjoy my addiction and would truly like to have peace in my life.

My problem is that I seem to be that when I break out of the cycle of acting out sexually, I act out with abusive words towards the people that I love the most. Its almost as if I have turrets syndrome of the voice box. I will say something hurtful and then regret it immediately.

I'm clever and know exactly which words will hurt the most. In the end I hurt myself more than anyone because I hurt people I truly care about and they have to leave eventually to protect themselves.

I attend mass regularly, I receive the sacraments and always have. Why am like this? I hate it. I'm in a relationship now, but have hurt my fiancé with words several times in the past month. I truly wonder if I'm possessed sometimes. I have been through the therapy thing for years, but I still blurt out these mean things. When I don't do this, I am a good decent guy. I like an awful lot of things about myself, but I hate this, and it continues to drive me to loneliness and despair, because I'm hurting the people that I love. In time I will be all alone.

What can I do? - Tom

A: Dear Tom,
The significant first step you have taken has been to recognize that this cause/effect cycle you’ve just described has resulted in tremendous damage and harm, both to you and your loved ones.

Now, you must focus on breaking this cycle. Recognize the anger early on and control it. Don’t let it control you. It is important to understand that one of the primary characteristics of this addiction is the real anger and rage you feel is toward yourself, the sinner and addict. In our addiction, we lash out at others in frustration and anger because of the painful and frustrating situation in which we find ourselves.

This phenomenon is described in detail in the "White Book" of Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). Copies of the White Book can be obtained from SA at: http://www.sa.org/

I strongly urge you to make contact with a chapter of SA in your area and participate in their weekly meetings. There is tremendous benefit, growth and progress toward healing born of better understanding of the nature of this addiction available from the help and mutual support to be had in this fellowship, both for you and others like you.

Acknowledging and making amends to others on account of your anger and addictive behavior should become a top priority as well. This, too, is part of the 12-step SA program. Working this step, however, requires much guidance and discretion else you risk worsening an already bad situation.

Regarding the Catholic aspect in all of this, be sure to consistently and frequently seek the advice and counsel of your parish priest. Unload all of your guilt and anger at the feet of Jesus Crucified as you encounter Him in the confessional and beg for His mercy and grace, asking for an abundance of both and acknowledging at the same time, how weak and helpless you are in your present physical and spiritual condition.

Keep in the forefront of your renewed attitude of humility and reconciliation, one of the SA mantras – "If something upsets or angers me, then there is something wrong with ME!"

Breaking the cycle and overcoming this addiction is difficult and takes a good bit of effort on your part. You put a tremendous amount of time and energy over the years into it. Therefore, it will take no less energy and effort to work your way out of it.

God will help you through this, but you have to ask Him, and ask Him frequently. For your part, stay close to Him - prayerfully, spiritually and, above all, sacramentally.

With all of God’s abundant blessings, be at peace.

paul, for the Serenellians