April -04
Q: I am a "cradle" Catholic engaged to be married to a man that was baptized in the Catholic Church but whose parents' divorced and the children lived with his mother.  She stopped going to church and remarried a man that is Methodist.  My fiancé took RCIA classes and was confirmed into the Church three years ago.  He is trying very hard to be a good Catholic and has told me several times that he admires my faith, morals and values.

 Well last year I found out that he had went on the Ebay site and bid on some pictures of nude women.  He enjoys photography as a hobby and has collected dozens of vintage photographs over the years.  I have seen them and none of them had been nudes.  The pictures he purchased on Ebay were not, in my opinion, vintage as they were taken in the 70's and 80's.  They were to me very provocative and the only way I can describe them is they look like Playboy centerfold pictures. 

How I found out about the pictures was that his brother was visiting my fiancé when I was there and he asked my fiancé if he bid on more pics..that's the only way I would have found out as he wasn't going to tell me.

I became very upset and we got into a rather heated discussion.  My fiancé insisted that they are not pornographic and he wasn't collecting them for that reason.  I said that if he didn't think there was anything wrong with them then why didn't he tell me?  He said he knew I wouldn't approve and that I would be upset.

Well a few months ago I told him that I couldn't marry someone who did not share my viewpoint on morals and that no matter what he said that those pictures are pornographic.  He threw them away because he said that nothing is more important than I am but he said he still will not admit to viewing pictures of nude women as being pornographic.

I really would like to know the Church's viewpoint on what constitutes pornography.   If they aren't considered as such isn't it still a sin against chastity?

It really upsets and hurts me that my fiancé would want to view pictures of nude women.

Your input would be very much appreciated.

Thank you.  - S
 

Dear S,
What the Catholic Church teaches about pornography can be found in the “Catechism of the Catholic Church”, the pertinent sections of which have been highlighted on our web site in the section entitled “Sins Against Chastity”.

You have reason and a right to be concerned.

The images that you describe as being in your fiancé’s possession, even if they could somehow be construed as “vintage” for the sake of artistic purposes, are doubtless and nonetheless pornographic.

If he, as a photographer, wants to study vintage photographs, suggest that he take up civil war or late 19^th century military/political images, as many of these can be purchased on the internet.

The fact that he claims these nudes are “vintage” is merely a feeble excuse.

I strongly urge you to sit down with your fiancé and work through this issue with a great deal of patience, understanding, forbearance and love, coupled with much firmness, diligence and hard work on the part of you both.

How well or poorly he responds will give you a strong indication of how things would go within the context of your future marriage.

I recommend caution and more testing of your relationship before you commit to marriage.  He needs to be committed to you and to striving toward being freed of his emotional/physical/spiritual ties to pornography.  Yes, bonds must be broken between the individual and the object of his addiction at all three of these levels in order to make successful progress toward recovery and healing.

Remember, this addiction, for most if not all individuals who have been caught up in it, is a lifelong cross that we must bear.  That means that your future husband, despite his best efforts to overcome temptation and remain chaste, stands a good chance of falling again.

You must ask yourself some tough questions –

“How will I deal with this?” 

“How will I respond?”

“How can I support him?”  “Do I even want to try?”

“How will we teach our children about these issues in order to develop in them the proper and healthy knowledge, understanding and response skills?”

Many women marry men with the unstated presumption that they can change them later, believing that over time they can “polish off the rough edges”, so to speak.

Since Adam and Eve, this has never been the case.  Therefore, no woman should ever enter into marriage with this attitude lest she risk disastrous, unpredictable and oftentimes painful consequences.

I’m not recommending that you not follow through with your marriage.  I am recommending that you get to know your future husband much better and much more intimately on an emotional and spiritual level before following through.  He may well turn out to be a wonderful and devoted husband and father. 

Many porn addicts really are good husbands and fathers, wives and mothers. 

The bottom line for both of you is this:

“How willing and how committed is he to embracing this, his cross, and denying himself for love of you and for love of God – and, how willing are you to love him and help him in spite of his faults?”

For all wives and fiancés in this position, a strong, fervent, prayerful petition to Simon of Cyrene, who helped Jesus carry His Cross, will bring much grace, insight, guidance and strength. 

Last but by no means least – entrust this entire matter to the care and intercession of our Blessed Mother, and she will take care of you.

God Bless you!
Paul