October-03
Q: I have recently found that my husband is probably addicted to internet pornography. He does not know that I know. Is this something I should try to lovingly confront him about? Or is it something that I should only continue to pray about?

I did not mean to invade his privacy, but I recently switched to another internet browser, and this browser keeps a history log that is always available. When I looked at it to find a site I had been to, the log showed all the sites he had visited also, even on another ISP.

This answers many of the disconnects I have always sensed in our relationship. I felt something wrong, but never knew what; and it answers many questions I have had and kept to myself.

What should I do or not do at this point?

Thank you,

Rachel

A: Dear Rachel,
Making the discovery that you did is certainly painful for you. Yet, your first inclination is to reach out to your husband, which is what any good and loving wife should and must do. Though you are the injured party, you are also the stronger, so initiating the recovery, healing and reconciliation process falls to you. Yours is the first step.

Be strong, faithful and trusting in God to get you both through this, and He will.

My first response is to suggest that you formulate your questions and concerns that you’d like to discuss with your husband prior to confronting him.

Rehearse and think through the discussion in your mind several times.

Any initial confrontation on your part will likely be met with some denial and probably quite a bit of defensiveness on his part.

Anticipate his being agitated by the confrontation and try your best to remain calm and non-belligerent throughout the entire series of discussions.

Be loving but firm. Don’t accept denial. Truth, admittance of guilt, contrition, recovery, reconciliation and healing are what you seek.

Openness and honesty with you on his part is his best and only option, keeping in mind that bringing this issue out into the light is a good thing. The alternative is to keep going the way you both are now and risk placing yourselves and your family in a state of ongoing denial, as often happens in other addictive situations such as with alcoholism.

The trap that people fall into with pornography is in rationalizing the evil away, concluding falsely that there is nothing wrong with it, that it is somehow OK, harmless and even something good.

The addict doesn’t make real progress toward recovery until he or she admits that what they are doing is wrong and that they really do have a problem. This is step one.

Your short term objective is to get your husband to recognize, understand and comprehend the gravity of the evil, the harm it is capable of inflicting and has already inflicted on your marriage and your relationship, as well as the potential harm that it can do to your children.

Get him to open up with you and talk about it. How long has he been addicted? How did it start? (It will probably take some time and several discussions before he begins to really talk about his problem in any detail.)

Also, if you are not already in the habit, start praying together as a couple and as a family on a consistent, daily basis. Prayer is a most powerful weapon to use against impurity. Assuming that you are Catholic, make sure that you go to Mass weekly, (more often if possible), as a family and be fervent and faithful in receiving the Sacraments. Weekly reception of the Sacrament of Confession should become a habit on your husband’s part. This is a critical component of his recovery process.

Plan more family activities. Both of you should work to avoid long periods where your husband is alone at home, especially in the early stages of trying to combat and counter the addiction. In these situations, the addict is always at his weakest point.

Obviously, install an Internet filter such as CyberSentinel on your home PC and set it up so that only you know the password. Make him destroy any pornography he may have in his possession – make sure you witness this. This act serves as a good purging and cleansing step for him, too.

Keep and frequently use Holy Water in your house. Teach your children to use it as well. Have a priest bless your home, including your computer. Sprinkle Holy Water around your house and on your possessions on a frequent basis.

Have him look at our web site and read the articles, the Q&A forum and, especially, the prayer wall. Knowing that he is not alone in his addiction and that his situation is not one of hopelessness is a great comfort.

Lastly, it may be of some benefit for your husband, at some point, to join a local chapter of SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) and it may be of great help and relief to you as well, to join its counterpart for spouses and families of addicts, S-ANON. You should at least consider obtaining some of the literature offered by these organizations.

If writing to me would help, please feel free to have him do so.

If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.

I hope and pray that this helps.

We will keep you both in our daily prayers.

May God be with you and may He bless you both!

Paul, for the Serenellians