November-03
Q: Because I have access to my husband's email, I know that he receives pornographic pictures from an acquaintance on a regular basis. Sometimes he forwards some of the "milder" ones to a friend. This saddens and disgusts me. Because he does not know that I can see his email, I don't know how to bring it up.
Also, is it terrible for me to view his email? It happened by accident, but now that I know what he is doing I feel the need to check all the time.

A: As a consequence of your discovery, you have two options – denial or confrontation.

Since the path of denial leads only to more sin, more pain, ever increasing alienation of affection and a greater division between husband and wife, I would suggest that you consider confronting your husband about his problem, but do so with much forethought and discretion.

The caveat here is: Avoid any direct confrontation if there is the slightest possibility that he would react in a violent or verbally abusive manner.

Seeking guidance from your parish priest beforehand will help you, too. 

Should you choose to confront your husband, work through the process in your head first, and go through many iterations and rehearsals before the actual event takes place.

It is important that you remain calm, collected and rational, even though you are the violated and abused party.

Your objectives are healing, reconciliation, a stable, loving husband and a healthy marriage.  So, always accentuate the positive.  That is, work through the situation out of love for him.

He must be brought around to admit his guilt, be repentant and seek forgiveness from both you and from God.  This is the first and most important step toward recovery.

Look at your family life, too.  Where does God fit into the picture?

Where are your priorities?  There are probably some adjustments that could be made by all concerned that would lead to more quality family time together and less opportunity for feeding the addiction.

Lastly, there is nothing wrong with looking at his e-mail, especially since your trust has been violated.  Consider installing an Internet filter and set it up so that only you know the password.

Please know that you, and all those like you, are included in our daily prayers.
God Bless you!

Paul @ PornNoMore