January-04
Q: Ok, I have read almost all the Q&A's posted. However, my wife refuses to think beyond her own needs sexually. Which in many, many cases leads men whom do not want to cheat to use the Internet and pornography as a release. One could call this cheating. Whatever. However as a man how are we to make this situation better? Why must we feel the need to beg for intimacy with our spouse? I read many books, tried many things. Had many conversations with her and feel that I have changed many things about my self to meet hear needs. We have also went to counseling. Many of these things a man would even consider doing. You cannot say that this is a man’s fault. If the tables where turned it would be a much different story being told..

A very frustrated man
 

A: Dear Frustrated,
This is a difficult situation in which I would recommend that you both seek counseling from a priest and not a secular marriage counselor.  This is because in most marriage difficulties, it is often the spiritual areas of our lives that are wounded, defective and most in need of strengthening, healing and reconciliation.

A secular marriage counselor is typically unprepared to deal with these issues properly and effectively.

It is important to emphasize that none of us are entitled to or have a right to sexual release, although our decadent and corrupt society would quickly claim otherwise.

However, within the context of Holy Matrimony, it is the duty and responsibility of each spouse to give himself or herself completely to the other.  As Sacred Scripture says, "The two shall become as one."

As the Catholic Church sees it, the conjugal act is the defining physical symbol of this unity in marriage.  In this context, it is wrong for one spouse to deny the other for the simple reason that this is the singular most expressive act of love that one person can give to another.

Further, this unitive act must be open to the life giving, creative power of God.

That is, in our society, the objective of sex is gratification - a selfish act.

From God's perspective, the objective of sexual union between married spouses is a blessed demonstration of love that results in  the begetting of children.  It is this thwarting of God's will that married couples have children which makes birth control and abortion so horrifically evil.

Step 1:  Both of you need to re-evaluate where God fits into your marriage, and start putting Him first on your priority list if He is not there already.  As it stands right now, it sounds like satan has been able to drive a wedge between you and your wife.

Fight satan's efforts by seeking the will of God for the both of you.

Step 2: Re-evaluate both the individual and shared priorities in your marriage. 

Talk to each other.

How much time do you spend together in shared activities and interests?  Work hard to rearrange your schedules and priorities so that you and your wife spend more time together.

The closer you grow to your wife, the less room there is for satan to stand between you. 

It is paramount that nothing separate the love of husband for wife and wife for husband.  This is the absolute highest priority for you and the vocation assigned to you by God Himself.  Every married man must constantly strive to be the best - and most pure - husband, father and worker that he can be under all circumstances and adversities.

Know that you and your wife are included in our daily prayers.
God Bless you!

Paul @ PornNoMore