With respect to your time,
and not wanting to take time from the work you do, yet wanting
to thank you for the comfort your letter brought, as well as
to be of service to another parents out there who find
themselves in our position, I will respond with what I have
found. Bear with the length, if you will.
When we first got the
Internet, we had it in a visible area, but no safe provider.
It was so very rarely used. Then three years ago, my son got
on to look for something regarding the game "Age of the
Empires" that brought him to porn site. It aroused his
curiosity at age 15. We switched to a password, but left the
screen on about a year later, and he got on while I left the
house for a couple of hours. We then went to a safe provider
( I tried many which failed to properly screen out so much,
and am happy to advocate "Truevine.net" for 100% success! I
have been surprised after canceling three for ineffectiveness
when I, scared as I was, typed in a "trigger" word, and they
went right to the web site description, which of course I did
not go to, and had others with me for comfort and support. I
must say I was very naive as to what could be out there!)
Most recently he used my cell phone for "chat" which I did not
even know could be done!
After three times in two
years, we realized he will find a way to get what he wants,
regardless of how many locks we try to put on everything. He
is college bound at 17 to the top college of his choice and
there are computers everywhere. He is a smart, bright, drug
free child. Yet, this was a painful weakness.
When calling for help, I
found articles everywhere regarding the huge danger of teenage
porn addiction in every newspaper, religious to secular, for
the last 6 years. Yet, when I called the authors, and anyone
referenced, I got the same answer.."Yes, we know it is a huge
problem, but have no where for teenagers to go, or even a
person to recommend!" Good luck. Sort of a "back to the
yellow pages" response.
More so, I have to be
blatantly open on a subject which is hard to write about. I
was open to using a secular/ or Protestant counselor who could
use virtue and other Christian values to help my son. What I
found out as a Catholic was very hard to believe. Everyone of
them see/recommend masturbation as a tool to overcome
pornography. Well, that to me was unacceptable and incredibly
shocking. As a Catholic we realize that one needs to pull the
vice from the roots and overcome and be masters of our body
instead of slaves to them in one form or another. As Steve
Wood at Family Life Ministries said, this is what locks in the
porn and makes it more addictive. Every porn sales person
knows this...why not every counselor?
So not only was my search
limited, I had to cross out even the few I had.
Discouraging? Yes, but I
also knew that I had the grace to catch my son every time. I
followed my "intuition" every time. The day I was headed to a
dinner date and couldn't get through, I knew he was on-line. I
turned my car around and drove home, unexpected to him, and
told him to stand up and walk toward me, and I went straight
to the computer. The cell phone, I had lost in once ( in a
dozen times) but this one morning "something" told me to call
the phone company and check my bill. Surely enough, 50 chats
at a late hour. Caught again the first time he tried it. So
I knew well that it was Gods grace that allowed me to catch
him to help my son, and His grace would help me find a
solution. I pray every day to work with Christ to keep my
children in His Grace.
I was finally advised by a
priest friend to call the therapist who screens incoming
seminarians. I called and what an answer to prayers. He
follows the Catholic teaching, also sees the spiritual side as
an integral part to who my son is, and will ask him how much
time is spent in prayer, and virtue. Most importantly he did
not see this as just a "coming of age" issue, and teenagers.
The cost is probably the most prohibitive factor, but we will
make the sacrifice.
We have a good home life,
we pray the Rosary as a family 3-4 times a week. We make Mass
the most important thing on Sunday and nothing ever in front
of it ( sports etc). My children have either been in Catholic
schools, or home schooled w/ additional classes with other
students, teachers. We have a very blessed marriage.
In other words, the huge
risk factors aren't there, he was never introduced to this by
peer pressure etc. This evil is in easy reach of every child
accidentally or purposefully, and more so can go from
curiosity to hard porn at a touch of a button. We all know
this, but no one has taken steps to help with this. The
therapist said the profession is inundated with this, yet
there are no objective tests as to addiction, and help. It is
more subjective on the part of the therapist...."oh just
typical curiosity, or whatever their personal beliefs are".
He said they are years behind in dealing with this issue for
adults and not even prepared for teenagers who rarely come by
themselves and even more rarely brought in by parents!
What has seemed helpful so
far? As sad as I was, we took firm action with our son. We
have 3 months till he is 18. He was not allowed to be part of
family activities till he had gone to confession which he had
expressed wanting to go. He went to a holy and trusted priest
(very important) and was not given absolution
immediately. This was
a true blessing. He was told to come back in a few days. He
had to continue thinking how he would overcome this and work
on contrition and purpose of resolution. This had never
happened to him before. So it really ate away at him, and me
( worrying he could be in an accident in this condition!). I
sent him to adoration to sit in front of our dear Lord and beg
for contrition. He did all this willingly. But my
consolation came when we spoke, and he admitted he knows it is
wrong, and never wants to fall to this again( we know there
could be relapses...but step 1) and I realized his true
Catholic education was at work. NO "what's right for you is
for you and what is right for me is right for me." He knew
it was mortally sinful. After 5 days he re approached
confession much more humbly, and we made a great rejoicing at
home. We have rules off accountability for all his
time, respect, and will do the course by Mary Boudnik "You
Can Become a Saint" (which has accountability for personal
prayer, extra Masses, practice of virtue, etc.) plus working
with the therapist.
In summary, what I have
learned:
1) This can happen to
anyone no matter what measures we take to safeguard our
children, but we must humbly realize it is God's grace that
sanctifies, and we are only His humble instruments, more so
when we find out our children need help.
2) Beware of
the "tools" non-Catholic therapists use to treat pornographic
addiction. Why reinforce the main addiction in all of this?
More sin is not the answer to sin!
3) This site (PornNoMore.com)
and Family Ministries were the most Catholic and helpful .
4) Listen to God's
intuitions! I would never have intervened early had I not
followed that "little Voice" and been strong to follow it! We
would not be addressing this early in the first stage.. I
cancelled a dinner date as I was driving there to listen to
that "strong feeling" to go home THEN and check up on him.
5) Recognizing that
God loved us so much as to
allow me to catch him, so we could enter recovery stage
vs. self pity and despair.
6)There is very little,
if any, help out there for parents who want to be proactive
and less help for parents who catch their children in the
first movements of this. I have been encouraged to write
Archbishops to care for the young souls under their care and
address this soon. I want to be helpful to other families as
it took weeks of calls to sift through all of this.
I do not want to embarrass
my son, but I do want to help other parents openly down the
road. I feel called to do this because in some way, I don't
feel this can be blamed on "outside factors"( bad friends, bad
school, divorce, parents who are addicted etc). It would be
comforting to those who blame themselves or their situation
that there are others who share their cross who have been very
blessed.
Thanks for your time. Feel
free to share this with others who may need some
encouragement.
No, we are not done, or
have not said we have won 100%, I have just found some tools.
Prayerfully, and thanking
you for yours,
Concerned Parents
